Bringing more passion into relationships with intelligence (and security)
The desire to diversify sex does not mean at all that it has become bad. Sometimes people want to improve the process, get closer to their partner, and add passion to a long-term relationship. You can diversify sex with the help of fetishes and new sexual practices. Together with the co-founder of Kinky Russia and a psychologist, we figure out what fetishes are, where kinky beginners can start, and what you should know about safety.
Why add variety to sex
Before discussing with a partner how to diversify sex, it is worth answering the question “Do I need this at all?”. Sex is for pleasure. If both are satisfied with “traditional sex”, this is normal. But it’s also absolutely fine if you want to try something new. For example, you feel that you have fetishes. Or want to make sex in a long-term relationship more exciting.
What are fetishes and why are they normal?
Sexual fetishism is behavior in which inanimate objects become the source and stimulus for sexual desire. It can be clothes, shoes, body parts, things from a certain material. Or actions, phenomena, style of behavior. Objects of desire are called fetishes.
Is it okay to have fetishes? Of course yes. If it does not harm the body, it brings pleasure and occurs with the active consent of all adult participants.
– Fetishes bring new colors to sexual life, as they increase arousal.
– Fetishes help couples keep passion in long-term relationships.
– Fetishes help to give pleasure to a partner and get it yourself.
The DSM-5 Manual of Mental Illness defines non-standard sexual desires as abnormalities. This includes, for example, fetishism, masochism, sadism. Although these desires are officially considered “abnormal”, they are quite common. Sexual psychologist Justin Lehmiller studied the erotic fantasies of 4,175 US residents. Most of the survey participants had at least one “deviant” fantasy – for example, about BDSM, fetishes, group sex .
Usually scientists who study sexual fantasies study them on sex offenders. Of course, in this case, they find a connection between fantasies and subsequent realization. But there is no evidence that anyone who fantasizes about rough sex is bound to have it. Or that they have a mental disorder.
Columbia University professor Richard Krueger says: “Many fantasies that might be considered unusual actually exist in a significant proportion of people. Fantasies can be called pathology only if they prevent a person from living. Or because of them, he is ready to perform an action in relation to another without his consent.
Some data even give opposite results. For example, a study of the BDSM community has shown that its followers have better psychological indicators than other people. They are less neurotic, more open to new people and experiences. They are more conscious and less sensitive to rejection.
To understand if you have fetishes and what they are, you should pay attention to your sexual desires and not be afraid to experiment.
You can watch your fantasies. This gives a result, if not to block them, but to give free rein during masturbation or sex. If there are images and thoughts that swirl in your head and turn you on, you are a fetishist or a fetishist. And that’s okay. No matter how strange your fetish turns out to be, there is nothing to be ashamed of. There are certainly people who admire the same thing and coincide with you in fantasy.
How to talk to your partner about your desires
A safe environment is very important for talking about … read more