How to diversify sex with a partner

Bringing more passion into relationships with intelligence (and security)

sexual diversificationThe desire to diversify sex does not mean at all that it has become bad. Sometimes people want to improve the process, get closer to their partner, and add passion to a long-term relationship. You can diversify sex with the help of fetishes and new sexual practicesTogether with the co-founder of Kinky Russia and a psychologist, we figure out what fetishes are, where kinky beginners can start, and what you should know about safety.

Why add variety to sex

Before discussing with a partner how to diversify sex, it is worth answering the question “Do I need this at all?”. Sex is for pleasure. If both are satisfied with “traditional sex”, this is normal. But it’s also absolutely fine if you want to try something new. For example, you feel that you have fetishes. Or want to make sex in a long-term relationship more exciting.

What are fetishes and why are they normal?

Sexual fetishism is behavior in which inanimate objects become the source and stimulus for sexual desire. It can be clothes, shoes, body parts, things from a certain material. Or actions, phenomena, style of behavior. Objects of desire are called fetishes.

Is it okay to have fetishes? Of course yes. If it does not harm the body, it brings pleasure and occurs with the active consent of all adult participants.

– Fetishes bring new colors to sexual life, as they increase arousal.
– Fetishes help couples keep passion in long-term relationships.
– Fetishes help to give pleasure to a partner and get it yourself.

The DSM-5 Manual of Mental Illness defines non-standard sexual desires as abnormalities. This includes, for example, fetishism, masochism, sadism. Although these desires are officially considered “abnormal”, they are quite common. Sexual psychologist Justin Lehmiller studied the erotic fantasies of 4,175 US residents. Most of the survey participants had at least one “deviant” fantasy – for example, about BDSM, fetishes, group sex .

Usually scientists who study sexual fantasies study them on sex offenders. Of course, in this case, they find a connection between fantasies and subsequent realization. But there is no evidence that anyone who fantasizes about rough sex is bound to have it. Or that they have a mental disorder.

Columbia University professor Richard Krueger says: “Many fantasies that might be considered unusual actually exist in a significant proportion of people. Fantasies can be called pathology only if they prevent a person from living. Or because of them, he is ready to perform an action in relation to another without his consent.

Some data even give opposite results. For example, a study of the BDSM community has shown that its followers have better psychological indicators than other people. They are less neurotic, more open to new people and experiences. They are more conscious and less sensitive to rejection.

To understand if you have fetishes and what they are, you should pay attention to your sexual desires and not be afraid to experiment.

You can watch your fantasies. This gives a result, if not to block them, but to give free rein during masturbation or sex. If there are images and thoughts that swirl in your head and turn you on, you are a fetishist or a fetishist. And that’s okay. No matter how strange your fetish turns out to be, there is nothing to be ashamed of. There are certainly people who admire the same thing and coincide with you in fantasy.

How to talk to your partner about your desires

A safe environment is very important for talking about sexual desires. Usually it is present if you know that the partner will not evaluate and condemn your desires and fantasies. Only in this case will it be possible to “relax”.

Before discussing intimate topics, agree on how you can support each other, that is, what you want to hear during the conversation. For example, encouraging phrases “go on, I’m very interested,” “tell me more about it.” Minimize evaluative judgments: “what a disgusting thing, how could you think of this”, “only perverts like this”, “I will never agree to this in my life!”.

Start the conversation with something simple that causes minimal embarrassment. You can focus on what you already enjoy and gradually move on to more difficult topics.

Remember that you don’t have to try any practice right away. You are just sharing your thoughts. This does not oblige any of the participants to do what they do not want. If a partner has shocking desires, this does not mean that he or she is not a normal person. Sexual norm is a very broad concept. It includes everything that adults can do with mutual consent.

Speaking openly and honestly is always difficult because you are in a vulnerable position. But this is the only way to gain mutual understanding, contact and intimacy. And not only in love, but also in friendly and working relationships.

– Use I-messages. It means talking without accusations and only about your feelings. For example, not “You stopped being interested in me”, but “I’m worried that we have less sex, maybe we should discuss this.”
– Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Empathy is everything. Analyze all circumstances. Listen to yourself as if from the outside – from the position of the one listening to you, to make sure that you are understood and heard. 
– Do not be afraid. The worst usually happens in the absence of dialogue. The conversation itself is better than nothing. 

What sexual practices can you start with

To begin with, listen to yourself and remember which sexual practices have always aroused at least the slightest interest. Any of them can be suitable for beginners, because there are several degrees of involvement – from easy to hard.

1. Techniques related to foot fetish. You can start with a gentle foot massage and gradually increase the degree of involvement. After the massage, try light trampling – this is when you touch your feet to different parts of the body, stepping lightly. Then you can move on to licking. Then gradually increase the degree and degree of rigidity of interaction.

2. Simple orders. For example, order your partner to kneel in front of you.

3. Whipping. It is worth starting with light flip flops. Remember that spanking is an art that needs to be specially trained. If you want to build stiffness, make sure you know how to do it right.

4. Playing with wax. Candles come in different melting points. For starters, you should choose less hot ones in order to get used to and get comfortable in practice.

5. Anal experiments. Do not immediately use a large butt plug or a huge strapon. Start with your fingers. And don’t forget lube.

6. Group sex. It is not necessary to immediately arrange a huge orgy. Start by observing group interaction. For example, at a kinky party. If you understand that you are interested, try to invite one additional partner – reliable and tactful. 

For those who find it difficult to choose and understand the variety of sexual practices, there is a special service – Deep . It is designed in the format of a game with a set of cards. Each of them is a certain fantasy with a detailed description and tips for implementation. You can save the cards you like, add them to a special sex calendar and share them with your partner to share the sexual experience together. Deep has plenty of game scenarios, recommendations, and guidelines to help diversify relationships.

Security Tips

Remember that all games can be both psychologically and physically traumatic. It is very important to start with the easiest interaction options to feel the boundaries. Sex should always be harmless and bring only pleasure. Basic rules for beginners:

1. Increase the degree gradually. Move smoothly from simple to complex. 
2. Form a system of stop signs and stop words.
3. Be sober.
4. Do not use painkillers to avoid the risk of injury.